Monday, April 26, 2010

Is this the first time you've been back in a while?

Yes, I don't remember when. So many emotions flood back to me. The stinging cold is not noticeable. To be here in the darkness almost makes it more real. As I think on the 11 years, 5 months and 13 days I can't help but wonder what would have been. I can't help but to think of that day. How I wanted to have Faith but I let it slip away while I buried the remains of Trust. "God has a plan." Oh how my heart believes these words that my mind rejects. I could stand here all night. The details that even this place still brings. I consider it an honor when called by this name. How can I write words that I don't fully understand? My mind races with wonder. Who knows but He? As I fight for the answers that may never come. The pain may never be replaced. What if this was to bring me to this place? Why does a place, when in reality is empty, hold so many things? How can I still hide from what I know I am? We must be called home. Some things can never be understood as humans. But we are promised all will be revealed. Somehow my patience is not helped. It screams out. The Trust I have is not the Faith I want. The culmination of my turmoil is before me. To say I have come out of it would be a lie. My weakness is shown to me. The desire draws near. This fear is what holds me. To be caught up again would only hinder. The Grace is overwhelming. The Love is clear. To be great means there is not fear. For a page can tell you almost nothing. But a book reveals the plan. To know the promises will mean the end.


  1. I've never felt the pain that you I can't sympathize. But my heart hurts for you and your family...

  2. Thanks Kyle for sharing your thoughts. We love you!! May God grant you the peace he has given us. We are praying for you!!

  3. I'm listening to pandora as I read this. The songs that have played during this time have been songs that I first listened to and learned with Shaun.